Adjusting to having three children

When we were deciding whether or not to have another baby after the twins turned 3 I scoured the internet for information to help us make this decision. Should we or shouldn’t we? Was it an insane thing to do or would it complete the family. Would it bankrupt us? Would we live in chaos and intolerable noise levels forever? Would a new arrival feel left out having older twin siblings? We had no way of knowing.

The strange thing about having twins is that although you have two children –which many would consider to be *plenty* it is wierd that they pass the same ages and stages at the same time and the knowledge and experience gained first time round cannot then be reused for a younger sibling. The huge wealth of parenting know-how built up over the first four years of having the twins helped us to decide that for us,another baby would (probably) be lovely. It felt like someone was missing,and we really could imagine ourselves in years from now having three grown up children round the dinner table rather than two. A friend of ours who also has twins who are now teenagers says he and his wife do look back and wonder why they didn’t have another to follow up the rear.

I came across this great writer in doing the research and her column about having three young children. It made me laugh and made me realise how busy/noisy/messy/relentless/exhausting having another baby would be…
Jennifer Eyre White

Like a Train Wreck (But In A Good Way)

By Jennifer Eyre White

I’ve been writing my column for a couple of years now,and this one is my last. I’ve had a blast writing for Literary Mama,and my favorite thing about being a columnist has been the emails I’ve gotten from other parents. A few of these lovely people have even asked me for advice on whether to have a third child. Since I have trouble figuring out whether I should have had a third kid myself —even 16 months after the fact —I’m probably not qualified to offer an opinion.

But if I were going to offer one,I’d start by asking some questions. Questions like,“How close are you to a Starbucks drive-through?”“Do you have easy access to a variety of high-quality medications?”“Are you comfortable with the idea of needing a cattle prod —or possibly a border collie —to control your herd of young?”

Lately I’ve been thinking that the most important question I should ask is,“What’s your tolerance for noise?”Because the difference between two kids and three is about 80 decibels.

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On Having Three Kids

By Jennifer Eyre White
http://www.literarymama.com/columns/degreesoffreedom/archives/000336.html

Where I live,just north of Berkeley,hardly anyone has more than two kids. I suspect it’s because so many families have two career-oriented parents,and kids are really bad for careers. Or maybe it’s because it’s so expensive to raise kids here. I dunno. Anyway,when Kennard and I decided to have our third child,we became something of an anomaly in our social circle. And after little Kirby was born six weeks ago,a lot of our friends started asking us,what’s it like having three kids?

Here’s what it’s been like so far.

1. With three kids in the family,someone is always grumpy. Often,everyone is grumpy. When Kirby was five days old,we went on a family outing to Copeland’s Sports Store (I’m having trouble remembering why we thought that was a good idea or what we wanted there). On the 15-minute drive home in the minivan,Kirby was screaming and Ben was whining,“I wan dat bike,I wan dat bike!”(we had made him get off dat bike and leave it at dat store). Riley was sulking in the back seat because we wouldn’t buy her a sandwich at Togo’s. Kennard looked at me and said,“Our family is starting to sound like the seven dwarves —Screamy,Whiney,Sulky,Grouchy,and Sleepy.”I’d like to think that I was Sleepy and he was Grouchy,but I can’t be sure.

2. I hate it when people advise me to “sleep when the baby sleeps.”What am I supposed to do with the other kids? Tie them up in the back yard?

3. Having three kids cuddled up to me on the couch feels like heaven.

4. There is always a little person in need of something. Food. A drink of water. A boob. A bath. A hug. A mouth,nose,or bottom wiped. A timeout. Electroshock therapy. Oh no,sorry,that’s me.

5. La Leche League’s book on “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding”doesn’t tell you how to nurse in combat situations. There is advice on keeping a toddler occupied while you nurse an infant,but that’s not my problem. My problem is supervising two additional kids who often view nursing as an opportunity to try to maim each other. What I really needed a couple of days ago was something along the lines of:“If,while you are nursing your newborn,your toddler and school-aged child become engaged in a vicious fight over a pair of children’s scissors,with your toddler attempting to stab his sister and the sister biting him on the arm hard enough to raise welts,do X-Y-Z.”

What I did was to yell,“STOP THAT!”followed by,“STOP THAT GODDAMIT!”with no noticeable effect. I considered treating them like labrador retrievers and dumping a bucket of water on their heads. I considered ignoring them and letting it be a painful learning experience,one possibly including an educational trip to the emergency room. Finally,I lurched up from the couch,cradling Kirby in the crook of one arm so as not to dislodge him from my breast. I stomped over to Riley and Ben,pulled them apart with my free hand,and dragged the wailing Ben across the room to get him away from his sister. Problem solved,but I couldn’t help wondering if there was a more elegant approach.

My tenacious little Kirby managed to hang on and maintain suction throughout the entire episode,though he must have felt like he was nursing on the high seas. His little head bobbed up and down,and he briefly opened one eye to look around,but he never let that nipple go. The bad news is that my nipple is now half an inch longer. The good news is that if this keeps up I’ll soon be able to leave Kirby on the sofa with my nipple and it will stretch far enough for me to reach all the rooms in the house.

6. The third kid gets dragged around a lot. Our schedule looks like this:Take Ben to preschool. Take Riley to school. Pick Ben up. Pick Riley up. Take Riley to soccer or ice skating. Take Riley home. Do big families homeschool just to cut back on car trips?

7. Riley and Ben have become closer. Since I’m so tired and frequently nursing,I’ve begun recruiting Riley to help take care of Ben. She brushes his teeth in the morning and helps him get dressed. She holds his hand at the grocery store. One weekend she spent the night in his room,then got up with him at six the next morning. She poured him a bowl of Cheerios and turned on his Bob the Builder video and only woke me up an hour later when he began throwing things at her. She suddenly seems older and more competent. More confident. More useful.

8. Both of the kids —and in fact all the kids we see —adore Kirby. There’s just something about a newborn that no-one can resist. Even a grouchy and sleepy third-time mom like me.

[Jennifer Eyre White is an engineer-turned-mostly-stay-home-mom with three kids:Riley (9),Ben (3),and Kirby (3 mos). She can be reached at jennifer_eyre@yahoo.com.]

For us,only three and a half weeks into being a family of five I am already keenly aware of just how much extra housework one small person can add to the existing load –especially if that extra person is renowned for being sick over everything they touch at least five times a day and is getting through six or seven washable nappies. The washing machine is permanently on,every radiator,railing and clothes airer are draped in clothes,the tumble drier is on a lot (compared to not at all for the last 18 months). Admitedly it is freezing cold weather and soon we can use the outside washing line.

Meanwhile the five year old members of the household are practically ferral downstairs,the tv is on whenever they want (all the time),they have had to learn how to help themselves to snacks and drinks (crackers,dried fruit and nuts handily located in a low down cupboard as are non-spilling bottles of water,plastic plates and dishes,the fruit bowl always piled high with little apples,pears and bananas). Of course with a small baby needing to feed eight or so times a day for prolonged periods there are far fewer opportunities to tidy up after the bigger kids so the breakfast room floor in our house seems to now always be awash with crumbs,craft materials,felt pens with their lids missing,random socks,shoes,toys. I used to vacuum once a day and now I’m lucky if I find the time to do it once a week. Their playroom (thank goodness we are lucky enough to have one) is a grim sight indeed with all the toys out over the floor,cupboards and their boxed contents open wide and nobody suggesting they should tidy a little. Hooray for being able to shut the door on it and pretend it doesn’t exist!

I feel bad that I’m spending less time with them but thankful they have each other and are such good friends. I always wanted to raise independant kids who are creative enough to entertain themselves when needed. This is a period of adjustment for all of us (not least the baby who has arrived in a very strange loud world compared to the watery muted place she resided in for so long) but so far very much enjoying the challenge of being mummy to three lovelies and can distract myself from the amount of constant chores easily (and reduce myself to hormonal,emotional tears) by just thinking of the many years when they have all grown up and left home and our house is spotless,quiet and tranquil. Their childhoods and time with us here will be gone in a flash I suspect so I try to cherish the experiences good and bad.

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